I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
