so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
