Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
