I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
