3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
why didn't you poke me back
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Randomize
