All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
