i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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