Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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