it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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