dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
