Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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