And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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