just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
