Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She told me I should be a condom model.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
