What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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