People with herpes should wear stickers.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
