Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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