walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
