JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
