i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
