remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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