my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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