I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
