Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
