I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
