There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
