At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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