oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
