You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
