Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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