k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
