my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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