half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
