How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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