Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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