My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
