Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
