So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
