Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
