I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
