The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
