Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
