I wish you could order shots online.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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