I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
