Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
