There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
