Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
