I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
