I faked an abortion last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
