I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
