got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize