i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
