Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
