She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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