I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
