I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
