i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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