our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
