I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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